Monday, October 6, 2014

Re-claim your masculine nature and have some sex

I feel like sex is always on the brain for men and I don't necessarily think this is a bad thing. In fact I think if you aren't thinking about sex and having awkward erections then there is something wrong with you.

So to say I've been thinking about sex lately is well like saying, "I eat food and I drink water every day." This statement should be pretty obvious and by making that general comparison I am trying to point out how necessary it is for life to continue that I and others think about sex. Not only think about sex but also engage in it.

Sex should be deemed a necessity in my opinion to all functioning adults who maintain a functioning mental capacity. If you are male and not having boners then you need to get your hormones check and re-evaluate your boner killing vegan diet (this is apparently debated however so I'm just being a prick for fun).

Regardless, I've been thinking about sex differently than I have in the past year or so. I'm thinking about sex more hollistically and not about busting a nut and falling asleep.

Googled tantra and this is related... I guess?
I'm thinking about the nature of sex, importance of it, sexuality in the terms of the male-female relationship, the role of porn on our pleasure centers in our brain, how sex motivates us as humans as well as the tantric aspects of sex.

I feel like I first entered the realm and became fascinated with these topics initially when I first began having sex. I was interested in tantra and looked into but found that my partner didn't much appreciate or rather didn't feel accomplished if I never came.

Trying to be a very thoughtful partner tantra created all sorts of guilt in me for the very fact that it disappointed a partner who was so eager to have me blow my load.

However, there were some great lessons to be learned from the concepts and it still remains incredibly interesting to me. An aspect of sex I hope to possibly further explore in my future encounters or currently depending on the nature and length of my current one.
I find myself interested in the spiritual side and thinking of the universe yet hard to fully accept and put into practice. I constantly combat a logical brain interested in science and facts and constantly looking at the faults of these universal woo-woo concepts like astrology. Yet I am seeking enlightenment, relaxation and a more spiritual acceptance of the world and I believe sex and tantra was my first experiment or foray into these thought spaces on my research of the tantric arts since throwing away my religious identity.

If I was going to practice a sacred or spiritual art then why not have it be sex focused.

In reading briefly and barely putting into practice the concepts I became interested and read more and more on the subject of sex. In order to become a better and more cognizant partner but then reality eventually set in.

As much as I was trying to be the gentle thoughtful lover I was instead a sport-fucking ball of testosterone with the ability to last. I feel as I get older I shift from a more yang- (male) way of expressing myself to a more yin- (feminine). This is all good but this yin kind of gave me this weird guilt that when in the bedroom I was all yang.

Of course the moment I became single again my mindset returned to a more fuck-centric approach to sex and just wanting to bust my nut.  I stopped thinking so deeply on the matter and returned to casually fucking a familiar friend known as my hand. 

This awareness is probably a good thing and I do try to be thoughtful of and cognizant of my sexuality and the sexuality of others. However, recently listening to a podcast with Kim Anami on the ReWild Yourself podcast I was reassured  and actually a little refreshed by her words in regards to male sexuality.

a little bondage anyone?
Her talking about the man being aggressive and powerful in the bedroom but also not being afraid to initiate sex with that mindset was frankly a bit empowering. Just not being a passive male wussy about taking sex from your partner when you want it.

To be clear this wasn't advocating rape at all but she just meant that a man who wants sex needs to be more forceful about it within the respectful boundaries of their relationship. Being passive and asking for it politely frankly isn't sexy from the female perspective (her opinion.)

She made me feel alright about wanting and desiring sex constantly but also being sort of aggressive about getting it.

This isn't to say this excludes or even means there is nothing to be learned from tantra. I think it is still important that once you get into the bedroom you put your attention on your partner and not rush it. Again, on the ReWild yourself podcast (which has been very sex oriented as of late) Daniel Vitalis talks to another sex educator Sheri Winston about female sexuality and the various styles of orgasm for females and a more complicated understanding of the female clitoris (I will be buying her book here probably once I receive my next paycheck).

Both of these podcasts were very empowering. What I gleaned is that for a man to get what they want in the bedroom they have to basically appeal to the various parts of female sexuality. One of those parts happen to show leadership and be slightly aggressive in their sexual practice and approaching a partner for sex. However, the more you encourage and facilitate the wants and needs of your partner the more they will be open to receive you in various capacities.

 All very interesting of course and certainly topics I enjoy listening to and learning . Of course none of this is my advice or even ideas that I originally generated myself. To be clear I am not some anti-female misogynist or even a male apologist I am simply reiterating the ideas of two sex educators who are female.

But it was interesting and here is where opinions may not entirely agree is that from listening to the Winston and Anami interview it would appear (but not explicitly said) that they are not a fan of vibrators or at least not while with a partner. Obviously, these women are coming from this weird spiritual space with sex and is looking to have deeper more meaningful sex but I am somewhat conflicted by this.

Yes, I would think that Winstons perspective of deep meaningful sex is probably more rewarding and ultimately more satisfying for all partners. I hope to achieve this weird spiritual state when it comes to sex but also  sometimes I don't want to or have time to fuck someone for 2-3 hours.

Dan Savage's profound words
Famous sex advice columnist, Dan Savage said he doesn't have time or frankly the want to have sex for that long. This is why I'm an advocate of toys if the time isn't there but the want and need for some sex or even a little stress relief why not utilize them in the bedroom?

Men who are anti-sex toy confuse me because these things are basically insurance that all parties leave happy. I want my partner to get off just as much as I do and I know for many different reason being able to last can be a challenge.

Also, from my opinion I feel like a female partner who has a sex toy and instant access to their orgasm are probably going to be more open to having sex with their partner when the time comes.

Yes there may be some profound reasons as to why not using vibrators is a good idea. There seems to be a thought among some sex educators that vibrators desensitize the clitoris making it harder to achieve deeper level pleasure for the woman or even any pleasure at all. Perhaps, it ignores and bypasses psychological hang ups when you buzz that little nub at 100 mph. However, sometimes the best way to get over some of those issues or just get yourself through the day is a good orgasm. Its good for relieving stress and in that regard I can't fully poo-poo the idea of using toys in the bedroom.

I guess these are roads that have to be explored by each and every individual and couple. Maybe there needs to be a female version of the no-fap challenge in regards to the use of toys to re-sensitize? Who knows what the real answer is but either way these were some great interviews and I suggest anyone remotely intimate with someone to check them out. 

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